@JERA: I’m an English teacher, and I’m involved with someone from the same school. It started really well. Conversations after class, messages that felt thoughtful. He made me feel seen in ways that caught me off guard. Now that we’re dating, he walks past me in the hallway with other teachers around. No eye contact, no acknowledgment. There are times he’d say he’s tired even just to talk to me. And this could go on for days. If I message him, hours go by. Sometimes days. No explanation. No effort to pick up where we left off. Now here I am, trying to make sense of something that feels like fragments. Complete only when it’s convenient for him. I don’t know if I’m holding on to who he was in the beginning, or if I’m afraid to admit what this has become.
DJ: I’m going to be direct. From where you stand, this feels confusing, uneven, and slowly diminishing. From where he might stand, he may be trying to keep things discreet because you work together. Or he may like you. But only to the extent that it fits comfortably into his life without demanding consistency.
My take? Being careful does not require inconsistency. A genuine interest does not come and go without explanation. Avoiding PDA? Reasonable. Treating you like you don’t exist? That’s something else. Because if he has a valid reason, he should be able to communicate and co-create a solution with you.
Bring it into the open once. Calm, simple, direct: “I understand we work together, but I’m not comfortable with the way things are going.” Tell him what you told me. Listen to this side. No more interpreting. No more defending. Then watch what he does next. Not only what he says. Let his behavior speak without translation. If he steps up consistently, you reassess. If he stays the same, you have your answer.
Keep the communication lines open. Continue to give him feedback. Listen still. Avoid drama. And if his behavior persists, match it. Don’t chase. If he continues to pull back, you don’t fill the gap. You let the distance exist. Not to play games, but to restore balance. It protects your time and emotional bandwidth. It quietly resets the dynamic. He no longer dictates the tempo.
You were the one adjusting. You were the one waiting. You were the one carrying the uncertainty. That’s not a relationship. That’s an arrangement that works more for him than it does for you. Re-anchor your identity inside the school. Walk into that space grounded in what you can and cannot tolerate. Not simply reacting to his behavior. Ironically, when you stop looking for him, it’s likely that he becomes more aware of you.
But by then, the real question is not whether he has reasons. It’s whether those reasons are enough for you to keep accepting this. Because the love you accept is the love you allow. And you may just be allowing something that asks you to shrink. Now if you are convinced that indeed it is a pattern, stop accommodating what doesn’t meet you fully.
Define your cutoff signal ahead of time. Not when you’re emotionally hurt. Give it a month, for example. Decide on your non-negotiables to prevent emotional bargaining later. A relationship isn’t supposed to feel like a series of isolated highlights. It should carry continuity, even in small ways. A man who’s serious is not perfect. But he adjusts. If nothing changes, would you still choose this? If the answer is no, then you’re no longer deciding whether to leave. You’re just deciding how long to delay the inevitable.
And that decision, more than anything he does, will change the direction of your life. Love yourself as you would someone worth keeping. Don’t just sit there waiting to be chosen. Step forward and deliberately choose what deserves you.
