@KAREN: I have a stable career. I lead projects at work. My family often tells me they are proud of what I have accomplished. Friends sometimes describe me as strong and independent. But there are days when success feels surprisingly lonely.
I have met men along the way. And more than once, I’ve heard a version of the same comment: I’m intimidating. It’s usually said casually, almost as if it’s meant to flatter me. But over time, I’ve begun to realize that what they mean is something else. Sometimes it means they think I earn too much. Sometimes it means I’m too independent. Sometimes it means they assume I don’t really need anyone.
But just because a woman can stand on her own doesn’t mean she wants to stand alone. Being capable doesn’t mean we’ve stopped wanting companionship, support or love.
Is there something women like me can do to appear more approachable without pretending to be someone we are not?
DJ: The world needs more women who lead projects, support their families and stand confidently in their own lives. But you’re also right about something many people quietly observe: confidence can sometimes be misinterpreted. Not because it is wrong, but because people do not always know how to read it.
When guys say a woman is intimidating, it often does not mean she is harsh or unfriendly. More often, it means we’re unsure where we fit in her life.
Should we bring a résumé to the first date? Seriously though, the good news is that approachability is not about becoming smaller. It’s about creating small openings where others feel invited in.
Show your human side early. At work, you’re expected to be decisive. Outside of work, people are not looking for a project manager — they’re looking for a person. Guys just want to meet someone who laughs easily, enjoys the conversation and doesn’t ask us to submit a proposal before ordering dessert.
Share a funny mistake. Laugh about the burned toast you still ate because you were hungry. Or about something you bought online at midnight and only questioned the next morning. Nothing makes someone less intimidating than the ability to laugh at herself.
Allow the guy to contribute something to your life. You may be used to solving everything yourself. But relationships grow when people feel they are needed. Let him recommend a restaurant. Ask for advice about something — even if you secretly already asked ChatGPT for the answer. It’s a bit like letting someone carry your groceries even if you know perfectly well you can carry them yourself.
Be curious instead of impressive. Your job probably requires you to lead conversations. Reverse the energy. Ask about his interests. Let him talk about the things he enjoys. Guys are drawn to women who make us feel interesting, not women who make us feel like we need to prepare slides before answering a question. Resist the urge to solve everything too. If he says his day was stressful, he may not be asking for a three-step strategy to fix it.
Sometimes he just wants a listening ear, not a project plan. You can simply say, “That sounds rough. Tell me what happened.” You may have a reputation as an achiever — and that’s perfectly fine. Just don’t make it the opening chapter of every conversation. Let guys meet you first: the woman who laughs easily, enjoys good food and occasionally forgets where she parked her car.
The goal is not to hide your strength. The goal is to let people see that strength is only one part of who you are. Trust that the right guy will not be intimidated by the place you’ve earned. He’ll simply be grateful you saved him a seat at the table.