@KIMMY: This is embarrassing. Hope you don’t mind if I’m asking you this. You’re a safe space. Besides, you don’t know me. I’m already working and I’m of legal age. However, I’m still not ready for sex. Apart from my religious beliefs, I feel that I should wait for the right person. Recently, I started a relationship with someone I met on a business trip. He is my first boyfriend. Due to the long-distance nature of our relationship, we only see each other two or three times a month. He’s extremely good looking and experienced in this department. I feel he’s expecting us to do the deed. However, I do not feel that I know him well enough to consider him “the one.” I need more time. How will I deal with this pressure?
DJ: How sure are you that I don’t know you? We recently met on a business trip, right? Jokes aside, there are just as many reasons not to have sex as there are to have it. Despite what you may see on TV, remember that it is your body, your belief and your decision. If you think other forms of intimacy and connection are more important, that’s your fundamental right. Your relationship is yours to define as you see fit based on the wishes of you and your partner. Nobody else.
To your point, you need more time. You still don’t know if he’s “the one.” You just met recently. Don’t you think this is a great moment to practice setting boundaries? Personal boundaries are key in every relationship. Just because you’re working towards being partners in life doesn’t mean you stop being your own person. Both of you will still have your own choices, beliefs, actions, thoughts and emotions. It’s important to draw the line where your space ends and his begins, and vice versa. A healthy relationship means being able to vibe and talk through what’s cool and acceptable, and what’s not.
Delaying your sexual debut allows you to navigate this process while getting to know each other better. It’s important that you’re with someone who is willing and able to acknowledge and respect your choice. Everyone is different. What’s important for some may not be at all important for others. Healthy relationships and marriages are based on similar backgrounds, personalities, goals, dreams and values. If taking things slow is a fundamental belief for you, why not start by openly sharing your perspective with him and also understanding his in return?
There’s way more to a relationship than just hooking up. That’s why some sectors promote sex after marriage. Dating is about vibing together, understanding each other’s life goals and dreams. Before jumping into physical stuff, it’s key to level up in some areas. You both have to nail down skills like real talk, sorting out drama, problem-solving, keeping cool under pressure and respecting each other’s space. Just like love, friendship is an important part of a relationship. And traits like patience, empathy, being real and keeping it together are hella’ important too.
Alright, there’s some serious sexual tension, especially given the whole LDR thing. Throw in as well your observation that he’s easy on the eyes. Don’t you think the more you should be paying attention to the red flags and the green flags before jumping into bed? I mean, you gotta be real careful that the thrill of sex doesn’t cloud your judgement. Like you said, this dude’s got experience! Seriously, if you’ve been around the block, you’ve probably heard stories involving people going all-in for someone or overlooking shady behavior just because the sex is great. And where did that get them?
You might come across people who try to challenge or question your decisions, but they have no right to pressure you. Take time to really know yourself, understand your needs and how to communicate them to others. Be with someone who respects you. He’s your first boyfriend. It’s a stage when you’re discovering more about yourself and the dynamics of a relationship. You get to define your expectations and values, and decide what truly matters to you.
Allow yourself the opportunity to see the purpose in the process.