STILL>WAITING: I’m a 32-year-old professional. I have a stable career, wonderful friends, and a family that constantly reminds me I’m getting older. By most measures, life is good. Except for one thing.
For almost two years, I’ve been emotionally attached to someone who has never really chosen me. We’ve never been officially together. We go out for coffee, exchange messages almost every day, and occasionally have conversations that make me believe there’s something more. Then, without warning, he disappears for days or weeks. When he comes back, it’s as if nothing happened.
I’ve tried walking away several times. Each time, I tell myself I’ve finally accepted that he doesn’t feel the same way. But then one message from him is enough to pull me back in.
What if he just needs more time? But how much time is too much time?
DJ: If you need a flowchart to explain your relationship, it’s already too complicated.
It’s easy to assume the problem is the other person. But sometimes, the more important question is: Why do you stay?
If someone genuinely wants to be part of your life, you won’t have to wonder every few weeks whether you still matter to them. Consistency is one of the clearest expressions of interest. Occasional affection followed by long periods of silence is not a relationship. It’s unpredictability. Don’t evaluate people by their best moments. Evaluate them by their habits.
Instead of asking why he doesn’t choose you, ask why you’re choosing someone who repeatedly shows you that you’re not his priority. That shift changes everything. The first question gives away your power. The second puts it back in your hands. Love isn’t only about being chosen. It’s also about choosing wisely.
A lot of people fall in love with possibilities. Maybe after work settles down. Maybe when he’s emotionally ready. Maybe next month. Maybe you’re treating breadcrumbs like a buffet. Potential is not reality. Make decisions based on what someone consistently does today, not on the future you imagine together.
After spending time with him, do you feel peaceful? Or do you feel anxious, overthinking every message, every silence, every delay? Healthy relationships usually create clarity. Unhealthy dynamics often create confusion. Your emotions are giving you information. Listen to them.
When someone appears and disappears, every text message feels like a reward. Every invitation feels special because it’s rare. But excitement isn’t always love. Sometimes it’s simply your brain responding to unpredictability. The healthiest relationships may feel less dramatic because they don’t require constant emotional guessing.
Now, if your younger sister, your best friend, or your own child told you this exact story, would you encourage them to keep waiting? Probably not. We’re often kinder to other people than we are to ourselves. Offer yourself the same wisdom you would freely give someone you love.
There is a profound difference between someone saying, “I don’t want this relationship,” and “You are not worthy of love.” Too often, people hear the second message when only the first was ever spoken. Someone’s inability or unwillingness to choose you is not a verdict on your value. It’s simply evidence that the two of you are not choosing the same future.
So, how much time is too much time? It’s too much time when you’re waiting for someone to become the person they’ve never shown you they are. Love shouldn’t feel like a long audition. The right person won’t leave you wondering whether you’re enough. They won’t require years of patience just to decide if you’re worth choosing.
Be careful. You may have become so comfortable with the red flag that you’re already using it as a blanket.
