Moises: Worried she’ll grow old alone

Singlestalk
Darwin Moises.
Darwin Moises.File photo

@BRIDGET: I’m now in my early 40s. As the only single person in our circle of friends, I’ve been contemplating my circumstances and would love to hear your thoughts. After three failed relationships, I’m single and without suitors in the pipeline. The last time I dated was a decade ago. Of course, my press release says I’m okay about the situation. I’m a strong, independent woman. I’m successful in the field of advertising. But honestly, the thought of growing old alone worries me. Should I not care about dating anymore? Or should I keep looking around for the chance to have a boyfriend? Any advice or insights you have would be greatly appreciated.

DJ: Nothing has the power to inflict more harm than our own unguarded thoughts. Buddha once said those wise words. The sorrow of being single at 40 is a perception shaped by allowing societal conditioning to dictate your reality. Regrettably, the whole world often seems set up for couples. Think about formal dinners or galas where seating arrangements and activities predominantly cater to pairs, leaving singles feeling marginalized or uneasy. Plus, there’s also the negative narratives around being single. Like there’s something wrong with someone in his or her 40s who is unmarried. But at the end of the day, it would still boil down to how you frame your situation.

You’ve worked hard for most of your life and your bank account probably reflects that. Being single isn’t a setback. It’s an opportunity to splurge on yourself without any strings attached. You don’t have to buy fancy dinners, a huge house, or pay for the kids’ tuition. Your money is yours to enjoy however you see fit! And you have ample time to date, explore new interests, travel, and get to know yourself on a whole new level. This is where you are. So, flip the script and focus on the perks of flying solo.

Should you still date? Why not? It can be pretty amazing. Among the perks is that you’ve put in the work on yourself and are way more comfortable in your own skin compared to when you were in your 20s. Now more self-aware, mature and you already have a keen sense of what you want in a partner. With a career under your belt and a few life lessons tucked away, you’re stepping into the dating scene with a newfound sense of bravery, wisdom and smarts. Just think through your preferences and essentials without being too rigid. You’re beyond stereotyping and can move forward based on mutual values — the real foundation of any solid relationships.

Self-confidence is sexy. You’re not out there settling for just anyone. I’ve come across women who embody this vibe. Let me tell you, someone lacking self-esteem or is unhappy with herself or her situation is not attractive at all. You’re not desperate. Just open to possibilities. It’s a subtle yet powerful difference in mindset. One that tends to draw people towards you. So, when I said make use of the time to be better at being you, it wasn’t wishful thinking. Unless you’re chained to a rock in a cave up until now, chances are you’ve got a wealth of experience to share. You are at the prime of your life. And while you can find love at any age, I don’t suggest you anchor your happiness on it as though you can’t also find joy in your current status.

I’m single, too. A firm believer in love. If the stars align and I find myself in a romantic relationship, that’s fantastic! But I don’t dwell on it nor am I actively seeking. I’d rather make the most out of singlehood. I’ve been able to pivot into entrepreneurship, engage in volunteer work, travel, pursue a doctoral degree and build my financial portfolio. Do I get lonely sometimes? Of course, I do. But who doesn’t? Ask your married friends. Happiness is a choice. Whether flying solo or hitched. Through time I learned the importance of just being my best and then letting things come when they’re ready. And if they don’t, then they’re not meant for me. Besides, I’m more inclined to converse about life in general with someone with scars to prove it. You do. So if you’re game, let’s chat more about the topic over a cup of coffee!

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