Dear Dr. Fritz,
My cousin is leaving her husband because she doesn't love him anymore. Her husband didn't do anything wrong, but she doesn't have feelings for her husband anymore. Is it wrong for her to just leave? Don't most people do this?
Please enlighten us.
Cousin NOT in love
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Dear Cousin NOT in love,
That is a heavy situation for your cousin to be in. It's one of those "quiet" heartbreaks, there’s no "villain," no dramatic betrayal, just a slow fading of the spark. When a partner hasn't done anything "wrong," the guilt of leaving can feel twice as heavy because there isn't a convenient excuse to point to.
Whether it is "wrong" is less a legal question and more a deeply personal, moral, and cultural one. Here is a breakdown of the different ways to look at this:
1. The Emotional Reality: "Falling Out of Love"
It is actually quite common for people to feel this way. Relationships evolve, and sometimes people grow in different directions.
Is it "wrong" to be honest? Many would argue that staying in a marriage where you feel nothing is a different kind of "wrong"; it denies the husband the chance to be with someone who truly loves him, and it sentences the wife to a life of pretending.
The "Most People" Factor: While many people feel the urge to leave when the "butterflies" disappear, they don't always act on it. Marriage is often viewed as a commitment that transcends fleeting feelings, built on shared history, partnership, and choice rather than just emotion.
2. The Cultural & Legal Context (Philippines)
Since you've been navigating the legal landscape, it is important to remember that the Philippines is unique. Unlike most of the world, "not loving someone anymore" is not a legal ground for ending a marriage here.
No Divorce: As of now, there is still no absolute divorce in the Philippines. One cannot simply file for "irreconcilable differences" or "loss of love."
Annulment vs. Legal Separation: To legally end the union, she would likely have to prove "Psychological Incapacity," which is a high and expensive bar to clear.
Abandonment: If she "just leaves" without a legal agreement, it can be considered abandonment. This could affect her future rights regarding property, support, or even custody if they have children.
3. The "Just Leaving" vs. "Managing the Exit"
There is a big difference between vanishing and decoupling.
Just Vanishing - Leaves the husband in a state of "ambiguous grief." It often leads to resentment, legal retaliation, and community backlash.
Honest Dialogue
Sitting down and explaining, "I respect you, but I am no longer in love with you," is incredibly painful but allows for a more "civil" ending.
Mediation
Even family separations can benefit from a "compromise agreement" regarding how they will split their lives/assets.
The Reality Check
While "most people" might experience a loss of love, those who successfully move on usually do so through a lot of difficult conversations rather than a sudden exit. Leaving a "good" man is socially harder than leaving a "bad" one because the community often feels the need to pick a side.
I hope your cousin gets to choose what’s best for her. Marriage is not just about feelings. It’s more complicated than that as there are so many factors to consider – and wanting to just leave the marriage is an immature and selfish attitude.
Good luck!
Dr. Fritz
(Dr. Fritz Legarde Espedilla is an aesthetic dermatologist and surgeon, clinical sexologist and a lawyer. She is also trained in hypnotherapy and Medical Acupuncture. She has been in the broadcast media for more than a decade and has written a book based on her 15-year stint with her radio program, Healthy is Sexy Secrets ni Dr. Fritz. For your questions, you may send them to Dear Dr. Fritz, c/o Sunstar- Davao Publishing Inc., Door 11, Ebro-Pelayo Building 1, Juan Luna St., Barangay 29-C, Davao City, or you e-mail them to dokatlaw@gmail.com. If you don’t wish your letter to be published, we regret that we cannot answer them. Thank you for your understanding.)
