I'VE always envied friends who plan out their days and their projects. I don't have the patience. I've been forcing myself to do the same, but would end up with either an empty page and a lot of time wasted trying to figure things out or a full plan that I'd end up losing, and couldn't re-create, and end up wasting a lot of time again with nothing to show for it.
And no. Forcing myself to do it builds up resentment that makes me hate whatever has been written down. And no. Discipline has nothing to do with it. It's very much like cleaning up a house. I can go at it the whole day but can never create something that looks spic and span like our HR head Donna can in an hour.
I once attacked my old place with grim determination armed with all the cleaning agents and equipment, worked for 14 straight hours and still all I could manage to whip out was a dust-free bedroom with clean floor and washed windows. Books were still strewn around, in a different way since they too were dusted but randomly returned, the corners still had stacks of stuff threatening to topple down, and I was no closer to a spic and span bedroom than when I started 14 hours before.
Outside, the living, dining, kitchen, and bathroom were still waiting to be cleaned.
Yes. That bad. That's why I am in awe of friends who can clean up in less than an hour. It's an unacknowledged, even ignored, talent, a simple strand of which I didn't get.
I have recognized this weakness for years now and so have long figured out how to build on my gifts to make up for what I wasn't gifted with.
I let things play out as they are meant to be. That takes a full heart that believes without any doubt.
It's both easy and hard, harder because there are many people around who would first think of what can go wrong and force you to think about worst case scenarios, because according to them, that is how to plan.
That word again. I know that if I let them take the lead, I would fail. Thus, I simply walk away with a grateful heart and let things play out as they are meant to be.
Like my book... and my coming books. What took long was for things to shape up, but as soon as the first step moved into the horizon, everything fell into place, went into motion, and came to fruition with the least effort needed. Now, everything's lined up for everything else, and all I need to do is write and draw as I have always loved to do.
Life is that easy if you face it with a grateful heart and a deep-seated belief that there's a power much greater than your human power and gumption.
saestremera@yahoo.com