THE only time you can completely eliminate conflict in your life is when you’re dead.
Conflict exists because ideas and perspectives are as diverse as the human race.
As the famous saying goes, people judge themselves according to their intentions and they judge others according to actions.
No wonder that nobody seems willing to own up to their fault.
But even when we accept the reality of conflict, it does not mean that we stop all efforts of resolving them.
Everyone can agree that although conflict resolution may be one of the hardest endeavors there is, it’s worth it.
It’s worth righting wrongs, it’s worth bridging communities, and it’s definitely worth saving lives.
Before attempting to resolve conflict, it may be worth reading Harvard Business Review writer, Mark Gerzon’s article “To Resolve a Conflict, First Decide: Is It Hot or Cold?”
The article said: “Hot conflict is when one or more parties are highly emotional and doing one or more of the following: speaking loudly or shouting; being physically aggressive, wild or threatening; using language that is incendiary; appearing out of control and potentially explosive.”
“Cold conflict is when one or more parties seem to be suppressing emotions, or actually appear ‘unemotional,’ and are doing one or more of the following: muttering under their breath or pursing their lips; being physically withdrawn or controlled; turning away or otherwise deflecting contact; remaining silent or speaking in a tone that is passively aggressive; appearing shut down or somehow frozen,” the article further said.
Gerzon’s idea is to bring the temperature to a perfect cooking condition.
He said that in order for a solution to emerge, the boiling point of a hot conflict must be brought down.
Ground rules must be established when there are unnecessary hostilities being displayed by either or both parties.
Frozen conflicts must thaw out and cold walls must be broken down so that authentic yet repressed emotions can surface and a productive dialogue can be established.
In any kind of conflict, he gave these important key points to consider:
1. Make time your ally. Don’t rush to act. Unless you’re in danger, take stock of your options. Otherwise you might say or do something you regret.
2. Determine your goal and focus on it. Don’t get distracted; stick to what matters.
3. Avoid name-calling and finger-pointing. Focus on the problem, not the people.
4. Beware of self-righteousness. Keep an open mind; you may find that you can learn something of value.
5. Listen to everything, but respond selectively. You don’t have to address every point — just the ones that make a difference.
6. Take stock before you take sides. Don’t speak — or take any other action — until you’ve really heard the other person out. Don’t leap to conclusions before you have a firm grasp of the situation at hand.
7. Consider calling in a third party. Someone who is not involved in the conflict may be able to provide vital perspective for both parties.
8. Let your adversary know you. Letting down your guard and letting the other person in may help them understand your point of view.
9. Check the temperature gauge. If the conflict is still too hot, don’t try to resolve it right away. Agree to come back when things have cooled.
10. Observe the Golden Rule. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Be polite. Be compassionate. It may inspire your adversary to do the same.
We can never perfect our conflict-resolution skills, especially in the face of extreme provocation.
But hey, I guess we can try targeting to get at least into the warm level.