COMPLAINTS of VIP detainees at Camp Crame. Let’s go over the list of Sen. Bong Revilla, arrested and detained on the charge of plunder and several counts of graft:

-- cockroaches and other bugs in his cell;

-- rats, “one of which was as big as a cat”;

-- lack of ventilation, with the heat “unbearable,” especially during the day;

-- cramped 32-sq.m. cell (he’s lucky, compared to his former chief of staff, a lawyer, who occupies a nine-sq.m. cell);

-- bad, cholesterol-replete and uric-acid-full, meals;

-- no TV, no cellphone, no iPad or tablet.

Complaints of Sen. Jinggoy Estrada, who was booked only Monday afternoon, still had to be listed. But his wish list is topped by a request for a multi-channel cable TV, for the tele-series he’d miss if he didn’t get it.

(Just like many of us who’re hooked on soap and movies, not like most other senators who feed on TV news and opinions for their work as lawmakers.)

His don’ts? It must be topped by a visit from his half-brother Sen. JV Ejercito, the only senator Jinggoy didn’t mention in his farewell privilege speech in the Senate.

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If Senator Miriam were charged with plunder

Prisoners are not equal, everyone must realize by now, be they detained in Muntinlupa, the provincial jail, a small town jail or even Camp Crame.

VIPs and those who grease palms of guards and jail officials somehow get the better deal, in accommodations, food, or even occasional trip to a hospital for quick sex.

Sen. Miriam Santiago is complaining. She wants equal treatment for every detainee, which ignores culture of respect for the highly-ranked and the culture of corruption among jailers.

Would she want to be treated like a common crime suspect or accused if she were in the shoes of, say, Jinggoy or Bong? Would she deny herself hospital stay, even with her ailment that stopped her from joining International Court of Justice, and keep herself in a regular jail, aided only by the jail’s doctor and medical facilities?

Senator Miriam, vengeful to the core, used “Johnny” (her pet peeve Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile) as example in calling for equal treatment of prisoners: “Johnny picking pockets,” she said should be treated like “Johnny charged with plunder.”

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Jinggoy’s movie should’ve been run

How would a movie starring Jinggoy Estrada, titled “Ang Daddy Kong Sexy,” have fared in the box-office?

The film -- shelved by producers when the pork barrel scam exploded (with the Benhur Luy archives bearing the code name “Sexy” for Senator Jinggoy)-- would’ve gauged popularity of a movie star who’s linked to plunder of public funds.

That would’ve helped tell Senator Revilla, similarly situated as Jinggoy, whether his idea of running for president would fly.

[bzzzzz@sunstar.com.ph or paseares@gmail.com]